[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
liiiiiiiiike
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I can also cook 😂
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.