[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.