I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I gave up going to work for lent.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work