Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!