@joeljeffrey

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

@rainsutton

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

@thedad

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@SardonicTart

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

@Sarcasticsapien

People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

@disaster_dog

if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view

@Social_Mime

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.