[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
found my next D&D character name
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so