[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Breaking news:
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!