[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
all bases covered
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.