Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN