ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Before & after 😅
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.