@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@Cheeseboy22

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

@Phook75

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

@fro_vo

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@Reverend_Scott

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

@Home_Halfway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

@ilovepie84

I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.