[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”