rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.
*I’ll show myself out*
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.