[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*

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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600


I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*


My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.


I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.


As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.


[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery


The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.


Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die


her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.