I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.