[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I did not eat the cake…
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
how long have you had this for?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.