Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.


Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.


Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*


I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.


One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.


“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.


youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine


Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.