“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”
“Depends how many cars roll over it”
I should do Kids TV shows.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
You may recognize me from such films as:
HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?