[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch


ear doctor: your hearing hasn’t gotten any worse.
me: that’s great news.
ear doctor *puts down megaphone*: not really.
me: what?


You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.


discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.


My desires are… unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)


I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*