@ShutUpThatsWho

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

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@littleshark87

“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.

@Cajun_Ninja

Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

@Shen_the_Bird

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?