@nbadag

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

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@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

@JuanSalton

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it

@jordan_stratton

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

@minkpinkustink

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

@NickMcNevich

Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

@UnFitz

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”

@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids