*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
This checks out
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
They’re not wrong
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.