{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Not all heroes wear capes.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”