If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl