@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

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@Tmoney68

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@sixfootcandy

People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.

@Wtftab

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

@terrormcgorry

the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town

@trumpetcake

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@jacob_swift16

Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Me: MY LOOKS!?
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god

@PleaseBeGneiss

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what