[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen