Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?
* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR