[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)