@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

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@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

@trojansauce

[dinner party]
mario: what’s in this risotto?
me: mushroom, you’re not allergic?
mario: *grows to like 20 feet*

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

@sixfootcandy

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]