@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

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@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@lisaxy424

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@JasonLastname

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

@CarolineMoss

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

@HelloCullen

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

@Mom_Overboard

Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.