My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I think we should hear adeles boyfriends songs before we pick sides.
I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.