How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off
“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”
*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo
moses: *parts the red sea*
fish: ok wtf
fish’s boss: why were u late
fish: ur not gonna believe this
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.