[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Meme Monday.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?