me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.