Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The Weeknd is back
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.