I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.