{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over