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@Girly_Pictures: Me as a thief
@GaryJanetti: Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
@dhumann: [speed dating]
Me: "Facebook or Twitter?"
Me: "Have a nice life."
@JustBeingEmma: My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
@Papa_Mex: Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don't realize how bad it is for their health.....until I'm choking them