My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
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I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader: I need a kidney.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.