If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?