“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Wait, let me explain..”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
9: What’s mom gonna be?
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”