[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??