@funflaps

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

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@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@onion_an

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

@JerpsBerps

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

@respected_loner

whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]

@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

@UncleDuke1969

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away