@elle91

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

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@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@Social_Mime

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

@CruisinSoozan

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

@LePetitOiseau_L

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

@That_Damn_Duck

I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.