[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-


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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.


First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.


** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:


This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.


Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.


It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.


I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy


Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.