I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.