BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: