me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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Body by sandwich.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
black phone good
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
One of the best
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.