@Skoog

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@hasht4g

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@PellMull

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@jackmackenroth

I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@brittwastaken

Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*

@StickyickyBuns

My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.