me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

You Might Also Like


Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?


from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him


Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.


tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away


I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.


People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.


Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*


My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.