*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.