Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
You Might Also Like
Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?
one is murder.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
“BURN THE WITCH”
U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.