@sammyrhodes
Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
@adult_mom
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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@sammyrhodes
@Sweet_Me_73
Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?
Because seriously……
one is murder.
@VaguelyFunnyDan
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
@generaldietz
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
@EtobicokeErnie
My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
@Reverend_Scott
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
@actioncookbook
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
@Shanehasabeard
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
@ClichedOut
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
@AlmightyBored
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.