@adult_mom

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

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@sammyrhodes

Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

@generaldietz

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@Reverend_Scott

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.