[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

You Might Also Like


Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.


Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.


The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.


Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?


My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today


[1692 Salem]


“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.


USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways


gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks


Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.