Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*


“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”



H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.


Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall


My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.


I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.


If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I


One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.


*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-


Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2


Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.