@AimeeHelene1

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

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@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@JulesShmules

H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.

@TheIronSherk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

@toujours_fab

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

@DecantAndPour

I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.

@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

@shkeeber

One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.

@Corncleats

*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-

“Hammer?”

Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.