Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult