Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
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my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.