I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord