Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Webb. James Webb.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone