I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…