ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.