Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.