Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The struggle is real.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
this is 10/10 content no notes
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.