Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius