Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
i’m laughing very hard in real life
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Terribly Tuesday.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?