I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.