me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Um … Hot Wings please