My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?