Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together


A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.


Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.


Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*


I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.


[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]

[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”


Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”


When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.