Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You Might Also Like
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
kitchen magnet
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”